These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" asked Bill.
"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship' ."
"What happened?"
"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."

Two men were chatting in a bar. One says "Where are you from?".

Second man replies "I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition".

"Alright" says the first man, "Where are you from idiot?"

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".

Employee: I got to have salary raise. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get a headache.

Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.